Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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