Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
