Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
