If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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