According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
A+ Viking dick
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
