toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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