based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
