I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
