Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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