last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Life is so much better after having sex.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
