She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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