all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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