you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
