When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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