u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
