I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
