Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
