I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
