At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
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