Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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