Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
