i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
