Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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