I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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