I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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