I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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