just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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