Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
