It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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