I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
