I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
