FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize