I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
