tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
