seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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