It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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