I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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