then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
