You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
