i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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