I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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