Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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