If i come over, it means nothing
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
