I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
