Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
