tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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