I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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