i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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