I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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