I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
