My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize