I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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