This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
