just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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