Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
