Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
