When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
